Like a bridge over troubled water

"Do you believe in God?" was the first question I got from my PhD supervisor, when we went out for a get-to-know-my-new-student lunch. It came right after (literally), "Do you know anything about ionic liquids?". I really wasn't sure about either. And he said it was perfectly okay. :)

He is a rather outspoken atheist. We have spent so many hot Brisbane evenings in the pub down the road from the university (called The Ship Inn) talking about (how there is no) God. I think he has a special problem with religion. If religion is removed from the picture, he would lose most of his ammunition.Talking to him was always very enlightening. I don't think I learned as much chemistry from him as other things. First and foremost, he taught me to cook with all my heart. Watching him cook for his friends was a treat to the eyes. He had spices from all over the world (especially New Orleans, one of his many loves) and he used to take pride in sharing all his little tricks with us. He taught me how to be ethical. He is the kind of person who will give up a fat salary because it is conflict with his conscience. He shared all his music with his friends. He has a great taste in music. His house always sings.

He also has a great sense of humor. Sometimes, he can be really rude (but very funny). Once we were at a conference and a pompous (& slightly tipsy) professor was bragging about how everyone tells him that he looks much younger than his age. Then he had the worst idea ever, of turning around and asking my supervisor, "How old do you think I am?". He promptly replied with a blank face, "I don't know mate. You look sixty five to me". I did not stop laughing that night.

He always treated me as his equal. I had all the freedom to argue and fight with him (which I used liberally). I was really impatient with him during all the stressful times in my PhD. At the time, I had not anticipated that when all of this writing, proof reading, referencing, peer reviewing, publishing is over, we are going to be left with a friendship. He was always happy for me. When I moved to America for a post-doc, he made it a point to let me know, more than once, how proud I had made him.

There was one day however, when I was horribly depressed in Michigan, that changed my life. Although traveling around the world and making new friends everywhere was a lot of fun, it also came with patches of being completely alone. There were situations when I was alone and also extremely lonely. To an outsider, my life may seem like a series of boarding cards (which to a great extent it was, when I was in the States). I had the traveling of my life, with people who were not just a lot of fun to be with, but also taught me a lot about myself. But being alone, on your own, in a small apartment in the middle of  Michigan snow had it's own lessons. And on one such night, I really was ready to give up. I couldn't believe how sad I had become. And beneath the noise of my everyday life, I felt really lost and scared. I had an urge to write to my supervisor that day and I am so glad I did.

I hit the send button and looked out of my bedroom window. There was fresh snow everywhere, piled up on quite a few inches of existing snow that had made our lives miserable that week. The light from the street lights reflected off the snow, and made the night oddly surreal. It was a magical hour. I had never been up that late and just looking out, at the bigger picture, which was not at all related to my sadness, was a respite. Nature has an amazing quality of slowing down your thoughts. The vast expansion of the ocean till the horizon, the silhouettes of leafless, naked maple trees waiting for their turn to blossom, in the silence after a snowstorm, the infinite lifeless grayness of the Himalayas -- all of these have always helped me stop my thoughts, even if it was for a minute or two.

There were so many options ahead of me. All of them seemed equally complicated at the time. All I wanted to do was curl up in my blanket and become invisible. And then, I got a you-have-new-email alert. There it was, a reply! From the land of sunny beaches and Vegemite. Where it is too hot to wear a shirt in December. Knowing me, and how evasive I can be when I am upset, he chose to write back instead of call. And I will always keep that letter close to my heart.

Among other things, it asked me not to return home to surround myself with love, but to plan a career, a life, that would keep me satisfied.  To take everything people tell me about life (and about myself) with a pinch of salt. To not build walls around myself to avoid getting hurt. To always follow my bliss. He had begun his list of advice with 'always follow your bliss'. And he ended the list with the same line. I think it was intentional.

I  still don't  know the answer to his first question. But I do know this. That night, I really came close to believing in a higher power. That power is the goodwill of one human being for another. When you are down and out, sometimes the biggest stroke of luck is your choice of who you decide to reach out to. If you reach out to someone who can just vacuum out all the imaginary dark clouds that loom over your imaginary future, your sails are set in no time.  Out  beyond the cultural and moral boundaries of what is right and wrong, and how one should lead the course of his or her own life, beyond all the noise and judgement, lies the deeply satisfying knowledge that there are people who still believe in you when you don't. People who always see you as a complete picture, without magnifying your flaws and skewing your own ideas about who you are. People who know what you are going through because just like you, they have been there too. Thanks to them, these fleeting moments of profound grief do not take a sinister form.

The other day, I got a call from him. He was traveling and it was 3 AM in his timezone. He had returned to his hotel after a few beers and he sounded extremely happy. "I just called to let you know Saee", he said in his warm Aussie accent, "that I am so so so happy for you."

As you get older it gets harder to say that you have absolutely no regrets. But it gets easier to know and acknowledge what makes you truly grateful. :)

Rehamania

Time to decorate my blog with music.
It would be an understatement if I say that I love music. I am a musical person. To the point where my thoughts depend on the music I am listening to. My writing goes with music. If I like a song, I listen to it a hundred times, over and over again, constructing a story to go with the song. I am very curious to know how other people listen to music. Is it just sound waves hitting your ears? Do you have stories to go with your favorite songs? Do your day dreams need musical dancing shoes?

During my travels abroad, every new place, every new person would bring a new kind of music into my life. And all of that was always very exciting. Gypsy music, French music, Bob Marley (thanks to my PhD supervisor), Arabic music (this always makes me sad), Manu Chao (Ugh! I used to hate Colombian late night parties), Adele & Edith Piaf (Elodie, I miss you), Anoushka Shankar (Indian music for the West), Kermit Ruffins (Yay! New Orleans!) and so much more. But most of this music was a way to be in the moment. None of it really entered my soul. Sometimes, these days, I actively avoid listening to some of those things because I don't really identify with that part of my life anymore. If there is anything constant that has always stayed with me, it is A. R. Rahman.

I love Rehman. His music has a  transcendence that I have never found in any other artist. At least the ones I have heard. His songs always seem to detach themselves from the movies they are made for. Especially the tracks he makes with his signature Sufi style. I recently came across some of his MTV unplugged episodes. The orchestration is just mind blowing to say the least.

  

This is the title track of  the movie Swades. I think the most attractive feature of this composition is the strategic pause that the entire ensemble takes during the song. And of course, the way Rahman just moves to Tamil at the end of the song. Sounds very beautiful. I have been trying to find the right word to describe the nature of his voice. Haven't found it yet. 

 

This is Rahman singing Robindranath Tagore's, where the mind is without fear . It sounds so beautiful in Bengali. 

This is also one of my most favorite Rahman songs. A lot of Rahman songs have an eccentric piano or guitar mixed into the song. If you listen to it very carefully, you'll notice that it is kind of out of place if you just pay attention to the instrument. Together with everything else, however, it takes the song to a whole new place. I love that about his compositions. 

Next up is Tu Bole  by Rahman and Neeti Mohan, again on MTV unplugged. It is a lot of fun to see Neeti absolutely enjoying the show and Rahman watching her enthusiasm and smiling to himself. When I see this kind of team work, I feel extremely jealous and sad that I could not be a musician. For some reason, I could not upload that video. Strange!

And the last one for this post is one of the best Rahman has ever made and Prasoon Joshi has ever written. This song has been my theme song since I heard it first back in 2009. This unplugged version includes fabulous piano. I'll end the post with the original track. 

A very Happy and Musical Diwali to everyone!

Why do we help others?

I volunteered for a script writing workshop for kids recently. The unique feature of this workshop was that it was organized by UNICEF for HIV positive kids and adolescents from rural backgrounds. It was an eye opening experience. The youngest member of  the group was a fourth standard boy (age 8) and the oldest member was a 21 year old girl. All of them came from remote villages of Maharashtra, which are confronted by many other problems as well. We never come across the statistics of AIDS in our daily lives. It is such a taboo in certain social classes that sometimes these workshops have to drop the "HIV positive" adjective from their agenda all together. I read up on this after the workshop. The situation is grim, to say the least:

"India has an estimated 220,000 children infected by HIV/AIDS. It is estimated that 55,000 to 60,000 children are born every year to mothers who are HIV positive.  Without treatment, these newborns stand an estimated 30% chance of becoming infected during the mother’s pregnancy, labor or through breastfeeding after six months.  There is effective treatment available, but this is not reaching all women and children who need it." (UNICEF India)

What was remarkable about these kids was their happiness. They were extremely happy to be with us. All of them, barring a few exceptions, were confident,  happy and socially well adjusted. Some of them, especially the girls, were well into their first professional degree. They had chosen fields of study which were close to their hearts. One of them, a young boy about 20-22 years old, lives on his own in an organization that supports poor kids. He has chosen a masters course in social work. Many of these kids have one or no parents. Some of them lost their fathers at a very young age, leaving their uneducated and unemployed mothers vulnerable. So most of them realize how important it is to earn a living and almost all of them were on a path to do so. To keep the virus in check, these patients have to take a pill twice a day. I was moved when the slightly older teenagers were reminding the younger ones to take their pills on time. Somehow being in the same situation, had created a sad sense of belonging among them. But there was no guilt or remorse anywhere in the group because they were all dealing with their destiny.

At the end of the day, they had to write stories. Their stories were equally moving. Some of them wrote about what happened when they lost one parent to AIDS. One little boy thanked UNICEF for bringing happiness into his life. One of the popular kids (we had nicknamed  him "hero") narrated how he was able to gain weight and a muscular frame -- thanks to the ongoing medications and dumb bells provided to him by the institute. Now he wants to try his hand at acting!

Although all of this sounds positive and hopeful, it is also evident how difficult it is to control the spread of this virus. Not just in rural areas but also among the urban elite. The Indian government does a lot to stop it. Various government schemes provide counseling support, medications, tests absolutely free of cost. It is also very heartening to see that at least among these circles people talk openly about safe sexual practices. I believe that on an organization level, Indian medical community is more open and liberal and detached from religion in these respects. Women have a lot more facilities made available to them absolutely free of cost. The real hurdle is the stigma and misconceptions associated with the proper use of contraceptives. In that, unfortunately gender inequality seems to play a major role as women don't have a say in choosing the method of contraception. Ultimately, the brunt is borne by innocent kids born to infected mothers. The world is just not fair. But it is humbling to see people adjust to misfortunes and still lead a purposeful life.

I am very grateful I got this opportunity. It helped me detach from my own life. Sometimes, I feel that we help others only to help ourselves. If I had not gone their to tell them stories as "Saee Tai", someone else would have. And it would all run just as smoothly. But the fact that I could be there, made a big difference to my life. It was as if I needed that experience more than they needed my help. It made me go back to "The Happiness Hypothesis", which deals with the question of why we help others. It is not just for the people we are helping, but also for ourselves. At the end of the day, I left the place feeling much more grateful than I was before. :)

I miss Seinfeld

I really do. I tried getting the full seasons DVD but it is always out of stock. I even tried to go through the Comedy Central schedule in a hope that they would be showing one of the re-runs. *sigh*

So I am going to post some of my most favorite Seinfeld moments here. For me to go back to and for all of you to share!

 Elaine on the train

This is by far my most favorite scene in all of the seasons of the show. It is so funny and so feminist at the same time. Elaine's feminism has always appealed to me because she manages to be so angry and so helpless at the same time! 

Too late to be drinking coffee

This is the absolute extract of everything George stands for. I love this scene for so many reasons. It tells the story of the modern day dating scene so well. And George is so brutally honest. I love him. 

Kramers Pinky Toe Story

I will never be able to choose between Elaine & Kramer. Kramer's style is so grossly physical. His makes you laugh by doing a workout. It must have been the most difficult-to-perfect character. This story is so engrossing and the expressions on the listeners' faces are so genuine. It feels like it is all happening right there, for the first time. 

Reservation

This is my favorite Seinfeld scene. And perhaps, he is my least favorite character on the show. It must be hard to compete with all the other three accomplished actors. But I love some Seinfeld scenes where he is more in a stand-up-comedian role than his actual role in the show (where he is off work). I feel the same about Geraldine Granger (Dawn French) in Vicar of Dibley. She is surrounded by people whose characters are certainly a lot more goofier and funnier than her character on the show. But she is also the focal point of the story. So without her, the others wouldn't exist, pretty much like Seinfeld.


Okay I think this looks good enough to go back to every now and then. :)
Do watch the Vicar of Dibley scene. It is hilarious!

What do you use your Facebook for?

Facebook is an unequivocally annoying entry on the "kids these days" list. I hear it everywhere I go and the funniest part is that although the discussion is always about somebody's adolescent kid wanting an android, I feel guilty when they start talking about it. Facebook (or the Internet) is not as evil as some Indian aunties may want to believe. But it is true that the insidious effects of social networking have already made it into research papers in psychology journals.

I  would read these papers and articles and sometimes wonder, "Man! Why didn't they call me as a subject for one of these studies?". For once upon a time, I was also bitten by the Facebook envy bug. I wasn't going through a particularly sorted/organized/conventionally happy phase in my life. So when I saw others' lives just "working out" for them, I used to feel extremely ungrateful. And I choose that word with a lot of thought because the basic feeling that drives envy is, in my humble opinion, a lack of gratitude. Even in moments of crisis, if you just take a few minutes and think about what you have, and are grateful for, the situation seems less stressful. 

When being on Facebook started making me unhappy, my first reflex was to blame all the happy people on my timeline for their happiness (and it made my situation worse). Then I did what so many others do. I deactivated my account. That did not help because it was hard to stay in touch with people I had met during my travels. So I came back and decided to filter my friend list. That helped a lot. I was down to about 200 something friends from some 700+  I had before. I chose to delete people with whom I was sure I was never going to stay in touch on a personal level. People you meet TAing or RAing during your PhD, extended social circles focused on just one activity that you no longer are a part of, friends' friends, people who read your blog but who have never actually met you -- basically people, who, I was sure won't really miss me or get hurt. 

Then I took a good  look at what was it that was actually wrong with my life. My envy was a mirror of my own mind. And covering the mirror is not the solution. I tried to fix those issues to the best of my ability at that time. One of the tools I used was meditation. I shall be eternally grateful to the guided meditations made available by Audio Dharma. This website has helped me cope with some of the hardest transitions and times in my life. And I realized that being grateful is important to feeling hopeful or happy; and there is always something to be grateful for. Just that one practice of being actively grateful helped me reduce my habit of comparing my life with that of others.

When I realized how much stress I went through just passively looking at others' pictures and posts, I decided for myself that my FB profile is going to be something that would never lead to such comparison or stress among people on my list. It was hard to come up with rules (and it is still work in progress), that satisfy this condition. But nonetheless I came up with a few. 

1. I post things that are not too personal but inspire me (and hopefully would also inspire others) such as pictures, quotes, good music, art blogs and comics.

2. I post links to videos, newspaper articles that would help me step out of my own life and look at the big picture. 

3. I don't express my own  political views (unless something really outrageous happens) on my timeline. And I try not to read these kind of posts by others, or interact with people who regularly post this kind of content.

It has been more than a year now that I have applied these rules. And when I go through my timeline, I feel happy about my choice. It has actually helped me detach from both the happy and sad parts or my everyday life. Going through my timeline is also a source of strength now because it always takes me back to things that I enjoy reading, watching and listening to. It is like a giant wall full of inspiring stuff. A little bit like Pinterest, but more interactive. 

So, I think I use my Facebook to inspire myself. What do you use it for? :)

  

The Lunch Box

Happened to watch this movie the other day.
The story emerges out of an implausible delivery mistake from a Mumbai dabbawala.  Ila's lunch box, which she prepares with a lot of effort and love for her husband, gets delivered to some Mr. Fernandes (Irrfan Khan). When she realizes that her husband is getting the wrong lunch box, she leaves a note for Mr. Fernandes, thanking him for showing so much appreciation (which she quantifies by the fact that the lunch box comes back empty every single day). Ila is trapped in a loveless marriage and Mr. Fernandes lives alone (and is sometimes lonely). Over time, their lunch box notes turn into friendship and they both start seeking strength in this every day exchange of letters.

Although the story is quite simple and at times seems rather slow, what sets this movie apart is the acting that fills the silences in the plot. Both Nimrat Kaur and Irrfan Khan display their remarkable talents of expressing what they want to convey without saying it. The movie also includes voice acting by Bharati Achrekar, who plays the role of Ila's neighbor, Mrs. Deshpande. The director takes his time with the cameras in a typical Mumbai government office, and slows you down by filling the frames with dusty files. Nawazuddin Siddiqui is delightfully annoying as Mr. Fernandes's  pesky assistant. All the fun is in the details and the execution.

I am glad I got to watch it before it left the cinemas. So if anyone is wondering whether they should watch it, well, do it right away!

Happy Birthday PurpleMoon!

This blog turns seven today.
Happy Birthday PurpleMoon.
I hope you have a colorful, exciting new year ahead. :)