A few days back, my best friend Ameya suddenly wanted us to imagine what her life would have been as a Newsreader. She is actually a doctor working towards a postgraduate degree and sometimes the impending pressures of so much studying throw her into these fantasy bouts. She should have fantasized about something else, as she possesses all the talents to be the worst Newsreader Television could ever witness.
She speaks at the rate of about one hundred and eighty words per minute. So they would either have to put her on tranquilizers everyday or just bring in more news every hour.
She has this innate ability to go into these long, winding almost three dimensionally intricate descriptions of events. So her being on television would be like one of those Zen stories, where there is a TV inside a TV. Plus, I do not even vaguely remember her having shown up on time even during high school exams. So the breakfast news would be probably renamed as “The Brunch News with Ameya”.
My mom would have been a very bad judge. She is so innocent and gullible when it comes to stories people tell! She considers people to be completely honest and free of guile. So I have banged my fists on the table in vain a lot of times when she lent out money to almost every other guy with a sad story to tell. She believes people when they tell her diarrhea stories and take two days off and then reacts with an almost wonderstruck surprise when they show up with nicely written resignations at the end of the month and join our pesky competitors. She believes me when I tell her that my Benneton perfume costs a hundred and fifty rupees and I got my new Nike trainers for five hundred rupees. To selfishly maintain my advantage over her, I volunteer to do all her gym shopping and she very innocently believes that I am just being the ‘Ideal Daughter’. Needless to say, I would rather have my adorable mom than someone under a funny white wig!
My other best friend Pooja would probably be a very bad wildlife photographer.
She has all the qualities of a top-notch executive. So we always find her managing about ten different things at a time. She is always over-worked and busy but she manages to get everything done in the best possible manner. So imagining her waiting in some godforsaken jungle for the Cheetah to wake up and start running is very funny. She would want to go up to the Cheetah and poke him with a broken tree branch and ask him to get going so that she can take pictures and move on to the next jungle. Or if the poor beast doesn’t run to her satisfaction she would want to make arrangements to get people with flaming torches after him to get the desired speed and shots. She would probably call me from Africa telling me in a furious voice, “These stupid beasts they never seem to wake up! I can sense weeds growing out of my ears now and the two crocodiles are still dozing off! Damn it!”
My dad would have been a very bad doctor. He is infamous in our family for being forgetful. He walks from one room into the other and suddenly becomes blank and asks me, “ Why did I come here? I had to fetch something but I fail to recall the object now”.
So had he been a doctor, right after he finished stitching someone’s belly up, he would start wondering where on earth he put the scalpel. Then he would make all the nurses go under and around the operation table. To be on the safer side, they would all agree to open up the guy again and check before the anesthesia wore off. Just as they finish removing the stitches, my dad would reach into his gown for something else and come out rather gleefully and sheepishly with the missing scalpel. Or worse still, he would forget it completely and would be responsible for a world record for the oldest man alive with a scalpel stuck inside his spleen!
I think I would be eligible for the worst boss ever. I function really well when I take control of machines of any kind. I look after them nicely, keep them clean and calibrated and generally take pride in showing my lab off to others. I am sure however that if I am given that kind of control over people; I would turn into this selfish and explosively tyrannical boss. I would bring them to a point where they develop a permanent allergy to my presence and become melancholy and sad. I would point out the tiny speck of dust on the floor and to make them realize the value of cleanliness, I would myself clean it in front of them. I would turn paranoid everyday suspecting that the spectrometer is about half a centimeter to the left than where I had set it two days ago. I would become really competitive and reach office half an hour early to see if they all show up on time. I would stand right behind them when they are working on the LC and narrow my eyes when they perform critical operations to make them shiver and shudder out of fear.
Maybe that is why my mom has cunningly assigned me a job that puts me against myself.=)
I guess she isn’t such a bad judge after all! ;)